The Malt House, Birmingham

Pub #2382:

The Malt House menu lists Lunch Specials, none of which are available at lunch.  The Lunch Special includes the sandwich/entree and for a pound extra a drink and chips.  Since they didn’t have this, I opted for a burger with a £1 upgrade for a drink (which the small print tells you is £1.50 for a low end beer and full price if you get anything else…so I was dutifully surprised to get fucked for £4.75 for a seasonal Greene King pint).

Later — much later — the salty burger arrived covered with the burger sauce I specifically asked to be left off.  I gathered the supplies of napkins from the 6 surrounding tables and started cleaning this swill from my lunch.  “How is everything,” the waitron asked from somewhere behind my mound of soiled doilies.

“The burger sauce is repulsive, but I think I cleared most of it, thanks.  Do you have mustard to mask the offense?”  Standing there in a restaurant specialising in sandwiches he told me they don’t have mustard.  I squirted two-thirds of a bottle of ketchup on the plate and started dipping the regrettable repast saying, “oh, that’s not half bad.”

“Glad you’re enjoying it,” he snarkily spat.

“Slow down, mate; I didn’t say that.  I just said it isn’t half bad.  More like 90%, but I need to get back to work and someone has already fucked me out of my lunch time.”

The building is lovely, though.  The Library is nearby and after dropping my overdue books I was able to go on with my day.